Let God Lead - and wait.

Since this blogpost is clearly archived and unreachable, I am going to start using this as a journal of sorts. Below is something God spoke to me through church today. I've been struggling with waiting on the Lord my whole life. But especially now. So may things in my life seem in the air, difficult, and chaotic. The one constant has been God's faithfulness. Even when I chose to not see it, ignore it, or just not recognize it. But it has ALWAYS been there. He has always been wanting to work all things for good - He just needed my permission... because even though He is God, He gives me the choice to decide who and what I follow. I've created many idols - so many I don't even recognize them as such. They have just become pretty (UGLY) decorations around the house of my soul and spirit. But now, one by one, I am starting to see them for what they are: shackles.

Today in church the speaker taught on Abraham. A story we all know. A covenant with God. A promise made for Abraham that God took upon Himself, walking through the sacrifice along, binding it for all eternity. Beautiful. And as the pastor continued to talk, some thoughts came to my mind.

- God promised a son. Isaac was not the firstborn, yet God called him as such. Why? Because he was the firstborn God SPOKE of.  He was the means and promise of God. The child that came before Isaac came of anxiety and doubt. It didn't come from Sarah, whom God promised would have a son. Abraham had a history of this, from bringing Lot with him when God clearly told him to leave his family and kin behind. It caused Abraham a great deal of unnecessary trouble. Then he decided to not trust God's timing with his son, and allowed himself to take another (just in case Sarah couldn't have one) to try to have a child. In both circumstances, he didn't wait for God's promises, he tried to make God's promises happen in his own timing. Yet, God showed up in each instance, restoring and making true His promises.  

Abraham grew in faith, though, as we learn he feared the Lord and trusted His promises more than his son's life when he went to sacrifice him. He knew the Lord would provide - because he showed up every single time in the exact way he said he would. 

It had me thinking to my life. How many times did I try to force God's hand in making His promises a Meggie-sized promise? I pray but have no faith, and therefore doubt. I pray and know God's promises, but still try to make them happen in my own way. 

I absolutely adore my son. He is beautiful, sweet, and because he has a chromic disease that could kill him, I think constantly about how I'd survive if he died. Morbid - but real. And as I heard the teacher speak on Abraham, God hit me with a truth. I need to fear the Lord more than my love for the things that are not of Him. Seth's illness is His - so I need to trust God's power in it. I may want to watch tv, eat lots of junk food, and spend way too much time on watching reels... but my continuing to do such things is in direct conflict with God's word. They have become idols. And I know they are not honoring to God... so by continuing to live in this way, I am actively distracting myself from better things. I am trying to create peace and comfort through things that will ultimately give me death, distraction, and pain. YIKES. 

Means of God's promises may seem to disappear - but they haven't. Just as with Abraham... he didn't see it in the timing he thought, so he took it into his own hands. And we see that it caused him great pain and difficulty in his life. But God's promises are still there, and He is waiting for us to put down our own idols, and let Him do His work. He knows the means and mediums of His promises - we don't need to. Just need to trust and believe in His goodness and faithfulness. 

GODS WORD IS REAL - it is NOT replaceable. I can lament the life I planned for myself and that is not happening. But I need to put my face and attention on God and let Him do His beautiful work.

God is doing a new thing

 12 years later... a new post :)

So much has changed. I'm married, I have a son who is 4. Life is difficult, life has thrown me many lemons. I have grown calloused, annoyed, scared, anxious, and have walked away from God multiple times. 

But - he is doing a new thing in me. I feel like I'm starting to wake up from a dark dream (which I have had plenty of during the past years!) Reading back on this post, I remember the feeling of wanting to know God and His love - and it is cool to see that He was clearly working in my heart. He was real... I just didn't know how to properly internalize it. It has taken deliverance (a continual process), and a deep humbling to bring me to the point I am now: hungry for the Lord in my life. Desperate for His healing. Tired from trying to do it all myself. Anxious from years of turning away without realizing it. Yet there He stood. Waiting. Wanting the prodigal daughter but to look at His face once to realize what she was missing.

I'm back, Father. I love you, Jesus. Holy Spirit, guide me.

Will you love me even if...

I am a people pleaser. I take my job at this very seriously. I will come running if you call. I will make little cookies with your name engraved with icing. They will be organic. I will probably grind the grain myself with one of those sweet marble pestles.  Now of course I'm not saying all this to tell you of my shining kindness and superior cookie skills (Though I'm happy to make some for you! See? People pleaser.)  I am saying that I am finding that someone, somewhere, someday will be upset with me and it will be deastating for me.

GASP. What?! But I even packaged the cookies in cute boxes with ribbons that are their favorite colour!

Of course, this attribute makes you feel good sometimes. Like you have accomplished something great. As though you were super-woman, standing high on a mountaintop looking out on the hundreds people you miraculously saved from a moving train only seconds before it was about to crash to its doom. It feels good to help another. That isn't wrong, but for me, I base my worth and my entire value on others' view points of me.

So of course, what is God doing, but bringing me down to my knees in realization that love is deeper.

I have come to realize that my need to make others happy most likely results in the belief that this is what makes me loveable. It is what others will like about me, because I have nothing else to offer.

I am going to be completely transparent with you friends, I am a mess. Just like my room. A WRECK.  Seriously, my room sometimes looks like a hoarder's nest. I am a perfectionist, so if I can't do it perfectly, I probably won't try (bad. bad. bad idea, Meggie).  Even though I love my friends dearly, I will always forget to call them until something happens on Facebook (like a birthday. oops.). If you text or call me, I will most likely forget to respond, or if I don't know the answer never will until I have an answer. Being that I am extremely (E.X.T.R.E.M.E.L.Y.) indecisive, I will also therefore probably not have an answer anytime soon. If you ask me what I want to eat, I will tell you I have no idea, because I seriously will not care. I hate my pictures taken, to a point that will offend you into thinking I don't want to be seen with you. I am in extreme debt from some horrible decisions I have made. I have lied to you if it suits me. I make up things about other people to make myself look good. I complain. I nag. I am stubborn. I will continue beg God for answers when I don't like the sound of the one He is giving me. I will try to get ahead by cheating. I am overly competitive. My sense of humor can sometimes be just terrible. I have 0 motivation to literally do anything when I am sad or upset. I am lazy when it suits me. I have tapped cars in the parking lot and not left notes. I have stole money, time, and resources from people and places - as an adult. I have mistreated my pets, my poor innocent animals when I have gotten mad. (That happened TODAY). The list could go on and on...

Now before you say "oh we all do that" or "that's not that bad..." just look at a few of those and imagine if some of those closest to you acted like that. Brothers, sisters, special others, daughters, sons, mothers, fathers... it is FRUSTRATING. It grates on your nerves. You seriously wonder how they don't notice they are doing it, right? Or perhaps you understand and are now on the same page saying "wow... this chick's got issues." Yep.

That is what I have been putting my family, friends, and loved-ones through.

Please make no mistake, I am not saying all this to get pity or compassion. Please don't. They are issues and they are wrong. I will even say they are SINFUL.

Today I have run into a wall of mirrors, where I have suddenly came face to face with many of my weaknesses. They have been happening a lot over the past few weeks especially. Things a people pleaser is not fond of. We DREAD it.

I have quite a few people not talking to me right now - and all for very valid reasons. My guilt. (I'm not talking about the feeling, but the act. I am guilty.)  I came home today and realized that very few who are close to me are happy with me right now. I have wronged many of them in some fashion or form.

I ran across this story today on facebook from a ministry I hold near and dear to my heart (LoveWorks Ministry):

"A young Asian woman sat with tears running down her face. "I cannot understand this part of love called 'Bears All things'. How can it be true that someone will love you even when they know your weakness, your struggles, your failure and sin? I can only imagine rejection and it fills me with fear. It makes me never want to let someone know those parts of me."

My heart was filled with compassion as I saw the fear and loneliness in her eyes. "Love will not reject you. It is actually love that heals you and for healing to happen, you must invite someone in to your weakness and receive love. It is in this moment that transformation happens. This is the way our Father has designed healing of the soul - it must come through love. Remember why Jesus was sent - to show us the love of the Father."

I prayed for her heart to be filled with courage so she could invite someone into her weakness and receive love. The next day she stepped out and opened her heart to a friend. This woman received every word and did not judge, instead she poured out God's Love, His compassion, His mercy, His belief. The young Asian woman was in awe!! She had never felt something so beautiful and powerful. She shared with our small group through many tears that it filled her with joy, peace, trust, strength, and freedom!!!"

This broke my heart. BROKE IT. I have been so filled with rejection today because of my areas of weakness and sin. I feel as though I keep failing. I keep forgetting to call, I am too busy to check on those I love, I keep making selfish decisions... How could anyone love me when there is all of those issues that come with it???

I want that freedom. I want to feel that warmth of love from God, our most faithful friend. To have someone not just 'put up with me' but love me through all my struggles? Unconditionally? Without question? Without a "okay but I need this from you..."?? Unimaginable. I just can't even fathom it. Yet I found so many instances in scripture:

Romans 5:8 -- But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

John 3:16 -- For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.

As I pour through Psalms I am struck by the love He has for his children. When I drink in Jesus' words I am hit by who he ate with, spoke with, slept with. Men he knew that would betray him. Men and women that He knew was scared and had issues. Imagine being caught red-handed and a man you have only heard stories of stopping your execution because of His heart of love and compassion, putting himself in harms way. THAT IS OUR FATHER. That is Him! This is not a fairytale, this is no joke... He loves us that much.

Imagining all the issues He loves me through, how can I help but look at others in grace. I am truly humbled.

As I move forward I'm not sure exactly how to heal wounds I have caused, but I know God will show me the most loving way. It will mean humility. It will mean perhaps pain, but what freedom will we possess when we allow Him to love through us. That is love. That is true love - everything not based in this is fleeting, it is a facade.

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.⁸ Love never fails."
- 1 Corinthians 13:1-8a

We read and hear these words all the time...  but take a moment and really read it.  That. Is. What. Love. Is. It is not "oh that would be nice" love. It isn't make believe. That is what love really looks like. We can love and be loved like that. Imagine that. 

I want to learn to love you like that, friends, I really do. 

Father God, please show me what your love looks like. What it feels like. I want the beauty and freedom and peace that comes with real love. Have mercy on me, a sinner. Father God I am guilty, I am full of pain, hurt, fear, and wrongdoing. I want to be so moved, so captivated, so moved by Your love, that I cannot help but love others unconditionally as you do. Help me Father take the first step. I want your love. I need the love only you, the perfect and holy one can give. I pray a blessing of hope and joy on those reading this God, ignite in them a hunger for your grace, hope, love, and freedom. Help us all see the truth, what is real, and what you have already given and we need only receive. It is through the precious blood and sacrifice of your Son that we can even come to your feet and ask this. Amen.

God is with you friends, with arms of love.

The Point of No Return

Hello my dearest friends.

It has been just over four years since my last post, and as I read through, I am astounded at what God has done and continues to do. To the naked eye it may not look like much in the way of success, but it has brought me to a very important point in my life, a point of no return.

This one will be brief and short, as I wish to make this simple, statement.

I want to be so transformed by God's grace and love, that HIS motions become my reality, my truth, and my norm. From this day forward I want to shed my views of the world and adopt God's vision. God's truth is my reality, everything else is a lie. I want a healed heart, a renewed mind, and a courageous act of love to be expected in His presence. I will not allow my faith and Spirit to be so watered down that people see anything less than a new creation. I am not aiming to be sweet and kind, I will be so moved by His grace, so changed, that what overflows has to be poured and shared with those around me. I was made for another world and I want to live in the truth of His reality. Soli Deo Gloria.

I posted this on Facebook months ago, and since I first uttered that statement, I have been noticing this reality infiltrating not only my life, but my entire being.

So my friends, I have decided to awaken this blog not to make a point, but to document a journey that I so clearly see God starting in my life. For years I have studied as much theology as I felt was possible, listened to thousands of sermons, read book after book, cried, prayed, even yelled at times for God to make Himself known to me. But dears, He doesn't come in a thunder cloud. He doesn't come in a loud bang with a flashing light. He comes in a holy, pure, cleansing whisper. AND IT'S REAL.

You are so deeply loved. More than you ever know. I speak not to those who have their act together, but those who are struggling. The questions you have are beautiful,  because as all truth points to God, your questions will point to joy, healing, and peace. Yes, peace that truly surpasses all understanding. You don't have to believe me, but I would love to have you join me in this journey as I seek to unfold even more of His incredible love. You are important. You are valued. You are gifted. You are created to be full of joy. You do have a beautiful, wonderful purpose, friend. You were created to look at pain and struggles as a beautiful moment of going more deeply in God's loving presence. It is REAL! This is the point of no return for me. I do not always understand Him, but I believe that what is written is not only real, but is alive, moving, and present with us here today. We can be healed of our struggles in sin. We can live a life of joy EVERYDAY. We can love our enemies from simply an overflow of what He has done for us. The words we read become alive. They begin to make sense.

I'm so excited to see and hear what He is doing in you as well because please know that from the sincerest place in my heart, I have no desire in this to try to convict or convince anyone. But I have realized in the recent years that God has begun to answer the deepest questions in my heart, and I just wish to share and acknowledge my honest, open experience in His love and grace. Know I post nothing to gain attention, readers, or introduce drama. Everything here will be genuine and real. Because of this the content might sometimes feel raw, and questions may go unanswered... but I welcome you in this honest and authentic adventure.

Imperfection is welcome here, questions are welcome here, hurt, confusion, and anger is welcome here... because I truly believe that we are met where we are, and that nothing, NOTHING can separate us from our loving Father. Nothing. All are welcome, because all are loved.

Love you my friends!!

Rip-van-meg

Yes. I am finally back. After almost a year of blog inactivity, the time has come for me to pick it back up again. So stay tuned, blogs to follow! :)

(I also noticed I have 5 different unfinished posts saved in my "drafts" folder... oops.)

God's calling is not rocket science...

Over the past year my mind has literally been BUZZING with confusion and frustration with the question, "What is my calling?" Through that, I have found a hard road of silence from God, that has road me down another hard road of trying to figure out who I was really trying to serve, where my heart is, and how to hear the voice of God. One word has been striking out to me, and that is "obedience". Yesterday at small group, there was a story shared that I would love to pass on, but before I do, a little prologue :). This excerpt is from a book by Brennan Manning. It has really blessed me in realizing that there is one primary call for my life - to "seek first His kingdom and righteousness" and to "remain in Him, and He will remain in me". I was at first VERY frustrated with the idea that there may not be one, main call, or even anything extraordinary to the world (I have always wanted to be a person to change the world). But He DOES have a plan, He IS sovereign, and He will guide me to where He wants me to be as I seek Him. I am not living for my own kingdom and glory, and my life is not meant to have a final project "done" at the end of my life that is astounding for the world to see - I just want to live for the eyes of God. It is meant to shine the light and love of my Father, to spread the gospel, share the good news, and live a life that is glorious to His name. THAT, in and of itself is beautiful - a miraculous gift. I am sent to show His love not only for me, His desire for not only me to be blessed, but the blessing of His PEOPLE. His children. All of them. I could say so much more, but I pray that this story speaks to me as it speaks to you. A story of a man that at the time and to the eye did not seem to "change the world". But He did. He changed those around Him because of His obedience to Christ and His calling to live for Him and share the story of His grace, faithfulness, and love to the world.

***************************************************************************

“Dominique Voillaume has influenced my life as few people ever have. One New Year's morning in Saint-Remy, France, seven of us in the community of the Little Brothers of Jesus were seated at a table in an old stone house. We were living an uncloistered, contemplative life among the poor, with the days devoted to manual labor and the nights wrapped in silence and prayer.

The breakfast table talk grew animated when our discussion turned to our daily employment. A German brother remarked that our wages were substandard (sixty cents per hour). I commented that our employers never were seen in the parish church on Sunday morning. A French brother suggested that this showed hypocrisy A Spanish brother said they were rude and greedy The tone grew more caustic and the salvos got heavier. We concluded that our avaricious bosses were nasty self-centered cretins who slept all day Sunday and never once lifted their minds and hearts in thanksgiving to God.

Dominique sat at the end of the table. Throughout our harangue he never opened his mouth. I glanced down the table and saw tears rolling down his cheeks. "What's the matter, Dominique?" I asked. His voice was barely audible.

All he said was, "Its ne comprennent pas." They don't understand! How many times since that New Year's morning has that single sentence of his turned resentment of mine into compassion? How often have I reread the passion story of Jesus in the Gospels through the eyes of Dominique Voillaume, seen Jesus in the throes of his death agony beaten and bullied, scourged and spat upon, saying, "Father, forgive them, its ne comprennent pas."

The following year, Dominique, a lean, muscular six feet, two inches, always wearing a navy blue beret, learned at age fifty-four that he was dying of inoperable cancer. With the community's permission he moved to a poor neighborhood in Paris and took a job as night watchman at a factory. Returning home every morning at 8:oo A.M. he would go directly to a little park across the street from where he lived and sit down on a wooden bench. Hanging around the park were marginal people-drifters, winos, "has-beens," dirty old men who ogled the girls passing by.

Dominique never criticized, scolded, or reprimanded them. He laughed, told stories, shared his candy and accepted them just as they were. From living so long out of the inner sanctuary he gave off a peace, a serene sense of self-possession and a hospitality of heart that caused cynical young men and defeated old men to gravitate toward him like bacon toward eggs. His simple witness lay in accepting others as they were without questions and allowing them to make themselves at home in his heart.

Dominique was the most nonjudgmental person I have ever known. He loved with the heart of Jesus Christ. One day when the ragtag group of rejects asked him to talk about himself, Dominique gave them a thumbnail description of his life. Then he told them with quiet conviction that God loved them tenderly and stubbornly that Jesus had come for rejects and outcasts just like themselves.

His witness was credible because the Word was enfleshed on his bones. Later one old-timer said, "The dirty jokes, vulgar language, and leering at girls just stopped."

One morning Dominique failed to appear on his park bench. The men grew concerned. A few hours later, he was found dead on the floor of his cold-water flat. He died in the obscurity of a Parisian slum.

Dominique Voillaume never tried to impress anybody, never wondered if his life was useful or his witness meaningful. He never felt he had to do something great for God. He did keep a journal. It was found shortly after his death in the drawer of the nightstand by his bed. His last entry is one of the most astonishing things I have ever read: ‘All that is not the love of God has no meaning for me. I can truthfully say that I have no interest in anything but the love of God which is in Christ Jesus. If God wants it to, my life will be useful through my word and witness. If he wants it to, my life will bear fruit through my prayers and sacrifices. But the usefulness of my life is his concern, not mine. It would be indecent of me to worry about that.’

In Dominique Voillaume I saw the reality of a life lived entirely for God and for others. After an all-night prayer vigil by his friends, he was buried in an unadorned pine box in the backyard of the Little Brothers' house in Saint-Remy. A simple wooden cross over his grave with the inscription: ‘Dominique Voillaume, a witness to Jesus Christ" said it all. More than seven thousand people gathered from all over Europe to attend his funeral.’"

Brennan Manning in the Signature of Jesus, pages97-99

"Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in Me." ~John 15:4

My run-in with Bob.

I had a very interesting run-in with a homeless person today. Actually, I am realizing that it happens a lot in a city. :)

The encounter occurred while I was putting gas in my car. A gentleman kept walking around the car... as though he were a bird, circling his landing, trying to see what all was around before approaching. It was kind of cute actually, he was obviously a shy type, and wanted to come in slowly, as to not scare me. Thoughtful guy I thought.

Anyways, he approached me and asked me if I had any spare change for food. Of course, my immediate reaction was the thought, "food... right...", and at first I got a little miffed - did he really think I was that gullible, to fall for money for "food"? (I am so ashamed that this was my very first thought). But then I looked at him for a minute. Usually I use the line, "Actually, I don't have any cash on me, I'm sorry" While this line is usually true (I just don't carry cash anymore), I knew it would be a lie, as I did actually have a few dollar bills.

I realize how wrong my heart was. Why was I so hesitant to help him out? Sure, I thought he was going to probably go buy cigarettes or something else with it instead of food -- but was it right for me to withhold help because of my distrust of the stereotype?

After giving him a couple dollars (he was so sweet and gracious when he accepted it), I went on my way to grab lunch before heading back to work. But I kept thinking about it. I have no idea who this man is, what he did, his situation, or his heart. But he came specifically to me for help. You know, I could do a lot of things to prepare for this since I know it happens often. I could put some food in my car to give to people, some bottled water, something to help out those in need without handing out cash. But, I didn't have that at this time. I was told by many growing up, "Help when you can, but NEVER hand out cash - you're helping them destroy their lives." I understand this mindset, I really do, but I have to question it. Yes, it isn't the best form of help, but where is my heart in it?

God is CONSTANTLY trying to pound it in our heads throughout His Word that we are not obligated, but COMMANDED to help those around us in need. My heart wanted to help, but was considering witholding the only thing I had to give at this time because I didn't want to be that "chump". He was standing there asking for help for food. Suddenly, I realize that it was about my pride that kept me from wanting to hand him cash. It wasn't all about him making mistakes what he would purchase with it. So, lets go with the worst case scenario. Lets say he would use it for drugs, cigarettes, something less 'wise' then food. Or, perhaps he lied to me, and really wasn't hungry, but was desperate for something else. Maybe my money just got him deeper and deeper in a fix.

It is not mine to fix. All I can consider was that in that moment, I needed to make a decision about what would show God's love more brightly, more beautifully. How could I help show the love God gave me to him? Goodness knows I take God's love so many times and try to use it for my own gain and glory. Yet... He still goes on giving and loving me.

I hope to get to the point of constantly carry some granola bars or some sort of food and water around with me. Yes, sometimes just handing out money is not the wisest thing. Sometimes, it is all we have on hand. Sometimes, perhaps "no" is the best answer - I am not the Holy Spirit for others' hearts and minds. (Thank goodness... what a mess THAT would be...) But I do know that I need to help. Maybe volunteering time, giving to a fund, or just handing out to random people that need it. Jesus is so clear with this in the New Testament, and God's heart to the needy is all over His word. Love your neighbor - Be a light to the World - "whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me" How little I take this to my heart.