Let God Lead - and wait.

Since this blogpost is clearly archived and unreachable, I am going to start using this as a journal of sorts. Below is something God spoke to me through church today. I've been struggling with waiting on the Lord my whole life. But especially now. So may things in my life seem in the air, difficult, and chaotic. The one constant has been God's faithfulness. Even when I chose to not see it, ignore it, or just not recognize it. But it has ALWAYS been there. He has always been wanting to work all things for good - He just needed my permission... because even though He is God, He gives me the choice to decide who and what I follow. I've created many idols - so many I don't even recognize them as such. They have just become pretty (UGLY) decorations around the house of my soul and spirit. But now, one by one, I am starting to see them for what they are: shackles.

Today in church the speaker taught on Abraham. A story we all know. A covenant with God. A promise made for Abraham that God took upon Himself, walking through the sacrifice along, binding it for all eternity. Beautiful. And as the pastor continued to talk, some thoughts came to my mind.

- God promised a son. Isaac was not the firstborn, yet God called him as such. Why? Because he was the firstborn God SPOKE of.  He was the means and promise of God. The child that came before Isaac came of anxiety and doubt. It didn't come from Sarah, whom God promised would have a son. Abraham had a history of this, from bringing Lot with him when God clearly told him to leave his family and kin behind. It caused Abraham a great deal of unnecessary trouble. Then he decided to not trust God's timing with his son, and allowed himself to take another (just in case Sarah couldn't have one) to try to have a child. In both circumstances, he didn't wait for God's promises, he tried to make God's promises happen in his own timing. Yet, God showed up in each instance, restoring and making true His promises.  

Abraham grew in faith, though, as we learn he feared the Lord and trusted His promises more than his son's life when he went to sacrifice him. He knew the Lord would provide - because he showed up every single time in the exact way he said he would. 

It had me thinking to my life. How many times did I try to force God's hand in making His promises a Meggie-sized promise? I pray but have no faith, and therefore doubt. I pray and know God's promises, but still try to make them happen in my own way. 

I absolutely adore my son. He is beautiful, sweet, and because he has a chromic disease that could kill him, I think constantly about how I'd survive if he died. Morbid - but real. And as I heard the teacher speak on Abraham, God hit me with a truth. I need to fear the Lord more than my love for the things that are not of Him. Seth's illness is His - so I need to trust God's power in it. I may want to watch tv, eat lots of junk food, and spend way too much time on watching reels... but my continuing to do such things is in direct conflict with God's word. They have become idols. And I know they are not honoring to God... so by continuing to live in this way, I am actively distracting myself from better things. I am trying to create peace and comfort through things that will ultimately give me death, distraction, and pain. YIKES. 

Means of God's promises may seem to disappear - but they haven't. Just as with Abraham... he didn't see it in the timing he thought, so he took it into his own hands. And we see that it caused him great pain and difficulty in his life. But God's promises are still there, and He is waiting for us to put down our own idols, and let Him do His work. He knows the means and mediums of His promises - we don't need to. Just need to trust and believe in His goodness and faithfulness. 

GODS WORD IS REAL - it is NOT replaceable. I can lament the life I planned for myself and that is not happening. But I need to put my face and attention on God and let Him do His beautiful work.

God is doing a new thing

 12 years later... a new post :)

So much has changed. I'm married, I have a son who is 4. Life is difficult, life has thrown me many lemons. I have grown calloused, annoyed, scared, anxious, and have walked away from God multiple times. 

But - he is doing a new thing in me. I feel like I'm starting to wake up from a dark dream (which I have had plenty of during the past years!) Reading back on this post, I remember the feeling of wanting to know God and His love - and it is cool to see that He was clearly working in my heart. He was real... I just didn't know how to properly internalize it. It has taken deliverance (a continual process), and a deep humbling to bring me to the point I am now: hungry for the Lord in my life. Desperate for His healing. Tired from trying to do it all myself. Anxious from years of turning away without realizing it. Yet there He stood. Waiting. Wanting the prodigal daughter but to look at His face once to realize what she was missing.

I'm back, Father. I love you, Jesus. Holy Spirit, guide me.